Many bloggers, psychologists, motivational speakers, and generally knowledgeable and caring people have written about both sides of the idea of faking it until you make it. Just the other day on my twitter feed I saw a couple of tweets that both praised the technique as a way to persevere through obstacles and others that said to steer clear of it because it was inauthentic and harmful to you. So, which is it?
The fear of failure is often at the heart of perfectionism. The idea of failure has such a powerful effect on so many of us. We hear messages from multiple sources about the importance of success, the perils of failure, and how failure can taint any accomplishment that one has worked hard to achieve. The more someone fears failure, the more likely they are to avoid trying something that they find challenging. This limits learning and the possibility of achieving something great. Obviously, without risk there can be no reward. So logically we know that we must risk failure to achieve success. I’ll take it further than that: We need failure (yes, failure) in order to achieve success.
My role as facilitator for what I believe is Massachusetts’ only online support group for lawyers in solo practice continually reminds me of the stresses faced by these attorneys.
The phrase “people-pleaser” is not often used as a compliment. It is the tendency to prioritize pleasing others as the cost of almost all else. This can lead to both positive and negative outcomes. The hope of people-pleasers is often to maintain a positive reputation and/or to minimize the displeasure of others. Behind the habit of people-pleasing is a fear. For some, it is the fear of admitting weaknesses or being thought of as less than. For others, it is the fear of what would happen if they disappointed the people whose opinions are most valued.
(originally posted on 7/28/15)
Growing up we all learned that games have rules and you have to play by those rules, otherwise you are cheating. And cheating is bad. If you cheated you were considered a poor sport, someone who couldn’t play nice with others, or someone who just always wanted their way at all costs. Again, all bad. So it’s no wonder that we resist the idea of breaking the agreed-upon rules. So how does this translate into a tip to fight against anxiety? Stay with me.
Given the regular occurrence of tragedy in the news, it is not uncommon to fluctuate between feeling numb to tragic news and feeling overwhelmed and hopeless. The Franciscan friar, Richard Rohr aptly states that “If we do not transform our pain, we will most assuredly transmit it.” Emotional pain is one of those experiences that can influence people to react in as many different ways as you can imagine (from productive to destructive). Grieving and enduring emotional pain (disappointment, rejection, sadness, etc.) is an important emotional experience. Despite the desire to avoid or minimize emotional pain, it is often the expression of pain that strengthens relationships and social support.
Malcolm Gladwell’s new podcast, Revisionist History, debuted with an episode entitled The Lady Vanishes. One of the major themes of the episode is the perplexing notion of moral self-licensing. This occurs when a person exhibits progress in some issue of social or moral importance only to result in an increase in contradictory behaviors. In other words, when we do something good, we feel good about what we have done, this leads to feeling an increase in our moral standing (a moral surplus so to speak), which then leads to a feeling of freedom to act in ways that contradict that standing (moral deficit). It’s the “I gave at the office so I can now ignore those in need” mentality. Almost like earning enough good will to spend it on immoral actions. This can be seen in small ways each day (“I feel good about having a salad for lunch so I’ll go ahead and splurge on dinner and dessert tonight.”) or in larger, systemic ways (the firm hires its first female partner but an internal sexist environment intensifies).
Our natural instinct toward the things we fear is to avoid them. Our logic, although most often beneath our awareness, is that if we ignore it, it will go away. Ignorance is bliss. Or at least we hope it is. Unfortunately, this approach leads to increased anxiety, as opposed to a decrease. Anxiety (unhealthy fear) is like a weed. It often grows to take up the space that you give it. Avoiding something that makes you anxious usually results in that anxiety growing and impacting your life to a greater degree.
Advice like “Don’t make too much of it,” “don’t overthink it,” “Simplify your life,” and “Keep it Simple Stupid” are generally good things to keep in mind. However, there are times when making things more difficult can actually help you think better. There is a theory that says we have two ways of thinking: a quick, easy, intuitive way based on emotions (System 1) and a more calculated, deliberate way based on logic (System 2). Many times we make decisions and based on familiarity or intuition. If you have ever tried to proofread something you have written you may know the difficulty in finding an error in something so familiar. This is because when our brains think that something is familiar, we naturally want to process it quickly and come to a conclusion. For example, read the sentence below.
When a friend shows us pictures of a party we attended, we are probably most interested in the pictures that include us. That’s normal. We all want to be involved in the stories that our friends tell because we want to be important in their lives. We also want to be important in our clients’ lives. If a client is happy, we want to know that it is because of our efforts. If a client is upset, it is difficult not to feel at the center of that emotion, particularly if you have any self-doubt.